Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
well I can't set my house on fire every night
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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