he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i drank out of a bidet.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
