Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
