I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
