the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
