My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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