I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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