my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
