Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
