Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
my poor anus
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
