im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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