the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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