And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
