bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
