i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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