apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
