One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
