No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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