Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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