Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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