I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
