so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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