In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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