my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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