on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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