whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Of course I have a pirate flag
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
