and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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