It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
