Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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