There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
