I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
