are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
