It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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