im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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