theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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