im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
