I love how my cats smell like pot.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
