I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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