In America we eat man semen.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
