I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
