So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
