I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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