i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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