I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
