uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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