Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
