I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
