you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
