So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
