oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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